Angelversary

Happy Angelversary to my Sweet Sister Debbie!

So are to believe you have been gone for 2 years. There are days when it feels like yesterday and other days I actually 'forget'.

I know you are always with us but we still miss you horribly. I really could use your input at times.

Mom and Debbie 1996 I believe

Debbie June 1994

Bad Days

Bad days happen to us all but I have noticed the last week has been tough. I think so much has to do with everything leading up to this sentencing on Thursday.

There is one part of me that could careless what they give him for killing my sister because it will not change a thing in any of our lives. The other part of me is so not very Christian and wants someone to do the same thing to him but he has to know it is coming....anticipation can be the worst form of torture.

I chose to not go to NM for this hearing, hard to get away from the family without careful planning and everything. Of course there is the one part that feels guilty when I talk to my mother and she wishes I was coming down. I would feel even worse leaving the family right now.

I have been reading a great book but it was talking about an autopsy and how they will arrange everything for the family to see their loved one again. That choice was taken from us by a drunk driver. Here is was 11:30 last night, reading a crying as silently as possible so that my husband doesn't hear me and get even more upset with life.

Makes me realize how lonely this life can be and I am so frustrated with being alone sometimes. On the flip side though I decided I am going to go join Curves again. I enjoyed the workouts before especially since exercise is just so boring and the switching every 30 seconds is nice for me...no opportunity to get bored and I will get out of the house ALONE at least 3 days a week.

It is only 6 pm and I am ready to go to bed and cry my eyes out...but I don't want to upset anyone.

Letter to the Judge

Life has been a little more crazy than normal but I thought I would share what I have been working on. I have blacked out the necessary names at this time.

April 15, 2013

The Honorable Judge Loveless,

I honestly do not know where to start to explain the feelings my entire family are struggling with but I will try to put those feelings into words.

            Saturday, June 16^th, 2012, started out like any other day for my immediate family. We decided to go for a drive and get out of the house and I couldn’t find my cell phone, which turned into a blessing. My husband, I, our son, and daughter we laughed so hard the whole day. There was an air show out at our regional airport and we were finishing up along that route as we were headed home. About 30 minutes later I pulled into the driveway. The kids ran into the house to let the dogs out and the phone was ringing. I know it was my middle sister Stephanie but what she said didn’t make any sense, Debbie dead, how can that happen, I screamed and threw the phone at my husband like it was a snake that bit me. I was still sitting in my car beating the steering wheel. How can something like this happen to someone that was so careful in everything they did? There were a million questions running through my mind one of which was, now what happens? What do I do next?

            I went to the computer and wrote what happened to my Wounded Warrior Sisters, my husband is a disabled combat veteran. My Sisters not only grieved for me they helped me to travel to New Mexico so I could be with my mom and the rest of the family. Next I had to figure out who could stay with my husband and the kids, thank goodness for best friends, she knew already and was prepared to come over for the whole week with her 3 daughters, her dog, and half her freezer. I was so very blessed during one of the most challenging times in my life so far. I still grieve, 10 months later. I wonder how people can be so ignorant to drive drunk and kill people. This HAS to change.

            When tragedy strikes a family we often feel guilty, mad, frustrated, and angry. We wonder what happened to cause this tragedy.

            There is only one cause of this tragedy - one person actively choosing to get behind the wheel of a vehicle in an impaired condition. It would not make any difference if it was a BAC of .08 or .2975, impaired is impaired. The offender will continue to live and see his family, talk to his children and mother, and feel the sunshine on his face – those same things which are now denied to Debbie because of the conscious decision to get behind the wheel and drive. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and in this case Mr. Clark needs to be in jail. My personal opinion is that getting behind the wheel while impaired is a premeditated action regardless of the outcome.

            I know there are ‘behind the scenes’ actions to completing this case which results in Mr. Clark’s jail time sentence being a specified length of time with credit for time already served. I do not have to like it but I understand that is how the courts work. I would appreciate it if Mr. Clark is required to complete 100% of his sentence before being released on parole. I would also like to see his parole be 2 years and to include random drug and alcohol screenings. I would like to request that Mr. Clark make monthly donations to MADD as well as talk to others about the feelings that come with knowing he killed someone while in an impaired condition. Hopefully through education other families can be saved from the pain that our family will endure for the rest of our lives.

Debbie Valencia is/was my youngest sister, I was 7 when she was born so it was like having my very own ‘Baby Alive’, and she did everything the doll would have done and more. I learned so many life skills with Debbie that would serve me well in my life. She was so much more than a ‘Baby Sister’ to me. I helped to teach her how to read when she was in Kindergarten.

Debbie always made time to listen or help others regardless of what she was going through at the time. Even knowing her popularity as a child and teenager you cannot imagine my surprise when we had her funeral and there were more than 400 people there whose life she had touched and they all considered her a friend.

            When my oldest child was born she arrived within minutes of him being born – she held him when he was only 10 minutes old, she was surprised that she was ‘late’ to his birth. Joey was not her first nephew but he was just as spoiled by Aunt Debbie as the oldest nephew had been. When my daughter was born Debbie decided that there was no way she was going to miss this so she showed up early and would not leave until she was born. Debbie was so much fun, she would watch the monitor for contractions and start telling jokes to keep my mind off the pain. She definitely made labor fun.

            Debbie made up her own nicknames for the kids and would sing them silly songs, my daughter Veronica would always get Adam Sandler’s Hanukah Song, cleaned up for the baby.

            When my husband and I got married she surprised us by coming from Albuquerque to Washington for the Wedding. The weather was horrible but she didn’t care, she was ready to have some fun and sing some karaoke with us afterwards. So glad mom got great pictures that night.

            Debbie loved to laugh or to make others laugh. She would stand up and tell you like it was and that she loved you in the same breath. She made time for others. She was loving and caring. While she loved her nieces and nephews there was nothing in this world she loved more than her own two children, Ethan and Sophia.

            Debbie loved her husband Matt but the kids were everything. Ethan was her shining moment, there was nothing she wouldn’t do for him including put him in his place when necessary. Finally, 8 years later, she had Sophia. There was a little girl that would have the girliest of everything if her mom had anything to say about it. Debbie was so happy to have that sweet little girl of own.

            Debbie was the favorite Aunt of all the kids; she was the one they could talk to about anything and everything. Every child should have someone in their life like that, such a special bond. As sisters go she was wonderful, sure there were the times when we didn’t agree but there was still mutual respect in a disagreement. In the hierarchy of Debbie’s life was her kids, her husband, and our mom. Debbie set the standards really high for how to treat a mom. Mom and Debbie had a bond that was so different from my own bond with our mom and my hearts aches for my mom at everything she has lost with Debbie’s death.

            Mr. Clark – I hope you live with guilt for the rest of your life for what you have done to our whole family. I hope that when you look at your own children, you remember that because of your actions, my niece and nephew no longer have a mother. Every time you look at your Mother you can feel the hurt of my own mother who can never tell her daughter how much she loves her or how precious she is to her. If you have a sibling, I hope every time you look at them you remember how much I hurt because I do not have my sister anymore. And EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING A DRINK YOU REMEMBER THAT ACCIDENT AS IF IT WERE HAPPENING AT THAT VERY MOMENT AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT YOU STOLE FROM MY FAMILY.

Sincerely,

Pam

This is the letter my children are submitting to the judge.

April 15, 2013

Dear Judge Loveless,

We are writing to you today to tell you how upset and heartbroken we are that a drunk driver killed our favorite Aunt.

Aunt Debbie was the greatest Aunt ever, she loved us unconditionally. When we were little she would make up silly songs and sing them to us. She was always so much fun and so loving.

We didn’t get to see her often since she lived in New Mexico and we live in Washington but some of our greatest memories are with Aunt Debbie. She always made time for us. Now we will never see her again.

We think it is very unfair that she had to die because someone made a very bad choice, bad choices are stupid choices. We (our cousins) will never see our Aunt Debbie ever again but his kids will get to see him again, not fair. Why should he be able to have the freedom he took from our Aunt?

We really wish the laws were fairer for everyone. Please keep him in jail, without freedom, for a very long time.

Sincerely,

Joey Busenius (14)

Veronica Busenius (11)

Joey (in blue), nephew

Ethan (in black), son

Veronica on Aunt Debbie’s lap

Spring 2002

One Word...Family

In a nut shell there is one word that can both evoke the most tender of feelings and some of the greatest rage we can ever feel...Family.

Family can and does drive us all a little bonkers. I love my family, I don't just mean my husband and children...I refer to the family I grew up with, but they can still drive us bonkers.

There are many things we can blame on what happens or why there are break down in communication within families but there is never just one thing, it is a multitude of things piling up over years and years which finally come crashing down around our heads. We have joked for years that our family puts the fun in dysfunctional. Sadly, it is not as true as we would like it to be.

We lived for 10 years in Ocean Shores, 1 1/2 hours away from the family, and it wasn't too bad. Family get together's happened but not on a regular basis and NO ONE ever just dropped by. Gotta love the lack of unexpected company.

There are times I really think that Debbie had the right idea of moving away. Distance can really help a family get along better. With distance you are separated from all the normal BS that happens. I think I miss the separation.

I thought with Debbie's untimely death our family would pull together again but even that has not happened in an overall capacity. There are ties which have pulled closer together, but like the shoelace which never stays tied regardless of how tight it is pulled, still manages to untie and go its separate way tripping you up every time you make a move. It is really hard to know what to do with the shoelace, you love the shoelace but you really would not mind just cutting if off and getting a new one.

The word for the year in my Project Life Album is Family.

Definition of FAMILY

1. a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head: household
2. a group of persons of common ancestry: clan

Origin of FAMILY

     Middle English familie, from Latin familia household (including servants as well as kin of the householder), from famulus servant
First Known Use: 15th Century

Letter to My Beloved

Last year I did not submit my Love Letter to Family of a Vet for all to see and read but I gave it to my husband on Christmas Eve. I think writing to our spouses about why we still love them through the trials we face is also a reminder to ourselves about the love we have shared.

To find out more about the Love Letter Campaign click here.

Letter to My Beloved                                         February 14^th, 2013

Honey,

It is hard to believe it has only been 16.5 years together. We have been through hell and back together, never gave up. Don’t get me wrong there are times I think we both wanted to but we refused. We are stronger together then apart.

We have a good life, not a perfect one but a good one. We have learned to adapt to the changes we have had to make in our lives to keep on loving each other. The lessons have been hard and many times repeated but we have both learned a great deal from them.

Sometimes it hurts to not have a ‘normal life’, what is normal anyway?

When I look at you I see the man that was over joyed when Joey was born and how you would not leave our sides. I can still see you sleeping on the little chair/bed with Joey on your chest and the nurse coming in to check on us and wondering where our baby was.

I still see the look on your face when Veronica actually was a girl and not the boy the doctor thought. You were so delighted to have a little girl. You were also terrified to have a little girl. It was hard to imagine my husband who was a commercial fisherman and a soldier afraid of this tiny little bundle.

There are times I wish our life was different but I would not give up these memories for the world. I remember clearly the day I thought I lost you forever. So many emotions went through my mind all at the same time. I was so frustrated that no one could tell me anything so I waited and waited. I remember the sound of your voice when you told me you were alive. 8,000 miles apart and it felt like you were in the next room. I was happier on that day then I was when I married you or when we had our babies.

You were my rock in June when Debbie was killed and so many other times in our life together. I am not sure I would want this adventure of life with anyone but you. We have held each other up at different times, under different circumstances. Thank you for putting up with all my craziness on top of all your own. I know you will always have my back as I will have yours.

I Love You!

Pam

Saturday Morning

Well it is Saturday Morning and I am thinking about what I would like to get accomplished today. I would like to get some work done in the garage and the office/classroom needs to be cleaned. I picked up some more storage totes at Costco the other day so that may help.

The garage is in serious disorder. There is just way too much 'stuff'. We know we will be moving at some point in the near future and my thought is if the garage is in order those items can just be packed to move easy. Don't laugh it could happen.

I really need to spend some time purging out the old stuff and getting rid of things but it is so hard to do at times. DH says I need to just pick one hobby and go with it, how can I pick just one thing when there are many different things I enjoy doing?! Granted there is A LOT of craft 'stuff' in the garage. There is sewing, beads, yarn, cross stitch and the list probably goes on. I am having trouble focusing on the cross stitch...I am picking large projects instead of small ones. My eyes are getting old as well.

The boxes of Christmas Decorations are still sitting in the dining room and need to be in the garage. There are many empty boxes in the garage right now that I am hoping we can use to pack up either donations for the thrift stores or garbage for a dump run. Regardless, the garage needs to get straightened out.

Tomorrow is SuperBowl Sunday and we have no desire to watch the game or the commercials. We would rather just spend some time together. I have noticed that for us the SuperBowl in the past usually meant friends either visiting us or we were visiting them but with some of the changes which have taken place in our life for the last 2 years, that connection is lost. It is really hard for us to go other places, DH anxiety levels start to skyrocket. There are so many unfamiliar things around him, it is so hard to relax and try to enjoy ourselves. Having people over can be just as hard if not harder at times.

I hate Saturdays and have for the last 7 1/2 months. I think there are times when I would just as soon stay in bed all day as to get up or leave the house. I have a picture of Debbie with my kids & her son over my desk and this morning it just struck me how she will never be physically here again. I hate moments like this. I hate the sadness and tears. I don't cry for her, I cry for myself and the kids. Then I get pissed a drunk driver took away someone so precious without any regard for the lives of those around him including his own children. While it would not help matters or change anything, why plead 'not guilty' when the BAC was .2975 in the field? Why can't he Man Up, plead guilty and tell my mom and brother-in-law how remorseful he feels and will feel for the rest of his life?

Well we have gone too far into the dark subject for one morning. Sorry for the rambling but I guess I needed to get things off my chest.

Mid-Week

Hard to believe it is Wednesday. Monday was Martin Luther King Day as well as the inauguration and a lazy day here at home.

DH is finally feeling better and has been up and around again but I am trying to catch whatever he is sharing.

I am feeling very anxious lately between the VA, personal issues, and waiting for answers. We applied for a home through Operation Homefront in December and we have submitted all necessary documents. The case worker is now out of the office until mid-February due to surgery. I am trying to be patient but we are back to the waiting. Am I worried about this, not in the least. Things will fall together.

Worked on taxes last week and those have to wait for e-file until the 30th of January. Again, a wait.

I feel like there is so much to say I have no idea where to start. There has been a hint of snow in the air for two weeks now and nothing to show for it but a couple of pics of the 'snow dust'. We are in the midst of Girl Scout Cookie Pre-Sales, which makes me so glad DD did not set a ridiculous goal she could never achieve.

I have been working on my 101 in 1001 Days Life Challenge, I will work on an update this week.
But I can tell you that I have finished one book and have started on a second. I think I will update my Shelfari with this info as well.

I have picked up on my Project Life I started last March and never finished after Debbie was killed. I rounded out some of last year with some pictures and some bits on info and started fresh with 2013.

Finished another pair of socks and started another. I love knitting socks, they are so easy. Now I need to work on getting the correct sizing instead of winging it.

I have also completed another course, Statistics and Probability and now on to Literature, Art, Humanities.

          "Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway."
                                                                                                - Eleanor Roosevelt

Life As I Know It

Happy Wednesday!!

Life, as seen through my eyes in my home, it not what would be considered normal in most house holds. There are days when it seems that life takes a hold and never wants to let go. There is an endless cycle of PTSD/OCD which rears its ugly head. The OCD cycle is so different, it starts with the kitchen, honestly it usually stays there, which has to be scrubbed from top to bottom and left for someone else to put back together. Like I have time for that.

I know there are those which think since I do not work outside of our home I have all the time in the world...oh how I wish. Between research, answering questions, schooling the kids, trying to learn, and taking care of DH, I am exhausted. In December my mom came up to spend some time in WA and she is staying with us, so now there is Me, DH, DD, DS, 3 Dachshunds and G'ma. At least we are not crowded. My mom is still a little under the weather so we might have to find her a good doctor for while she is up here.

I have been in a really melancholy mood and not really very interested in much. Mom and I have talked a lot about Debbie and that could be part of it. Maybe I need some deep sleep, seems to escape my search.

We have entered day #99 in the competency claim with the VA. I am wondering why they cannot come to a decision, I know that my DH back pay will not through us over the debt ceiling but the economics and how our government sees them are not the same thing. It is a good thing I don't run our finances the way the government does.

Well tonight is fend for yourself night since we are all in a food slump.